Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
