he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
