Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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