I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
