Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
