A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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