I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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