I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
