If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
