thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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