So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
