Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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