FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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