just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
