I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
