i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
