i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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