I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
