I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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