I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
