My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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