I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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