i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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