just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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