There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
