piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
