When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
