wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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