dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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