dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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