...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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