Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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