I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
