My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
