I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
