4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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