if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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