I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
