Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
