so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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