It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
