i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
