Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
