Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
