my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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