the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm really busy with my period
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