we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
