Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
