the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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