i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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